insideOut

2012-01-03T01:37:00.002+08:00

and so it's year 2012. entering second half of year 4. well, here i come again. just wanna thank God for everything.

AnugrahMu kepadaku tak pernah berubah..
PerbuatanMu terlukiskan di dalam hatiku..
Tercengang ku dibuatMu kagum padaMu..
Tak ada hal di hidupku luput dariMu..

..

tiada sepertiMu..

terima kasih Yesus...

Sidney Mohede 'Tiada SepertiMu' (Behind The Scenes/Rehearsal Clip 'Loude...

2012-01-03T01:31:00.001+08:00

AnugrahMu kepadaku tak pernah berubah
PerbuatanMu terlukiskan didalam hatiku
Tercengang ku dibuatMu kagum padaMu
Tak ada hal di hidupku luput dariMu

Kau indah Kau mulia Tiada sepertiMu
Kungin hidupku menyenangkanMu

Kau terawal dan terakhir pencipta segalanya
Seluruh bintang pun bersinar oleh ucapanMu
Engkau pun mengasihiku penulis hidupku
Tak henti segnap nafasku penyembahMu selalu

Kupuji kusembah Tiada sepertimu
Kuingin hidupku menyenangkanMu

Chorus:
S'gala puji S'gala hormat
Seg'nap hatiku menyembahMu
Terimalah seg'nap hidupku
S'bagai persembahan yang hidup

Bukan kehendakku namun kehendakMu
Hidupku bagiMu
Kau indah, Kau mulia
Kuingin hidupku menyenangkanMu

(English Translation)
NONE LIKE YOU

Your Grace for me never changes
And what You have done is painted in my heart
I'm amazed by You
I stand in awe of You
There is nothing in my life that You don't see

You are beautiful, You are glorious
There is none like You
I want to please You all of my days

You are the beginning and the end
The Creator of everything
The stars shine by Your words

And You love me, the Author of my life
With all my breath i will worship You always

I praise You, I worship You
There is none like You
I want to please You all of my days

Chorus:
All of my praises
All of my reverence
All of my heart worship you
Take all of my life as a living sacrifice for You

Bridge:
Not my will but Yours be done
For my life is Yours
You are beautiful, You are glorious
I want to please You all of my days

2011-09-07T22:56:00.000+08:00

life's expectable?

2011-05-28T21:35:00.001+08:00

why?

2011-05-28T01:30:00.006+08:00

almost 8 months ago when i started driving on real roads, my mind was really of one that only focused on the road and how i should try to prevent mishaps..being paranoid even when the car was half a km away. i implied the 'no talking to me' rule because my brain could never process a thing other than driving. lol. fran was asking me about some maths once. lol. bout' the upside.., i actually built some muscles.. ha ha especially the shoulder. due to regular position tension? ha ha. i almost forgotten how is it being just a mere passenger and need not worry about driving. i fit a driver's shoe now, and the way i look out the window as a driver is ..urm, a little fee-ling-ful. lol. i feel a mixture of feelings. lol. in a good way. i need to learn how to take care of my car now, another serious responsibility. but i am trying and i thank God for His constant protection and remarkable saving work.

coming to the end of year 3 has certainly made me more 'seasoned' than a year ago. ha ha. i used that word 2 years ago. ha ha. it's a different seasoning this time. i am not as emotional as i used to be even though i expect much more than before. they say when you expect more, you get hurt easily? so quit expecting. no you don't. there is always an expectation. because i care. because you care. as long as your heart is beating, there is always an expectation. but there are exceptions which we will learn. that i learned.

i was humbled too.. i have a pride,.. which i need not.. i could have succeeded on my own but without God, the crown is perishable.

i realised i can still sleep more than 15 hours even at this age. ha ha.

the end.

2011-03-14T22:25:00.006+08:00

You will keep those in faith, i believe. Japan's been hit, Lord i pray for Your mercy and relief over that country. i think many things will come to pass soon. let my heart matters what that matters.

---------

i had a difficulty yesterday out of my own carelessness. a.g.a.i.n. lol. But you know, the Lord sent help. yesterday, i locked myself out of the car at the hospital when i was supposed to clerk a patient at the clinic. definitely racing against time as the clinic closes at 6 p.m. and it was almost 5 p.m. panicky. called the 'lock man' hey and he wanted to charge me rm50. fran managed to bargain to rm40. out of the blue while clerking i told the patient's mum about my problem and she said her husband could help. so we waited. her husband came and tried to help us, but in the midst of trying what seemingly not working, a chinese uncle came suddenly, asked a two-worded question,a three-worded question, then another two-worded question, did some magic with the stick and 'tak' my car was free. i thanked him, he smiled a little and walked away, disappeared. i wondered where did he go. in my mind, i was half thankful, half worried, a quarter humoured.

back at the clinic, i managed to talk to the whole family of four. and completed my physical examination on the child as well. lol. they were quite impressively friendly that we spent more time talking then me clerking. and they are apparently quite familiar with ucsi students. lol. it was an eventful night. and i learned a lot about my case too. the presentation this morning was ok.

i thank God. i am speechless. it was all too much of a coincidence. and this morning was a pleasant surprise. *blushed* but i am reminded again that it's God's granted favor. but it made my day. juts want to share a simple story after so long. ahaha. eop is coming. i am going to miss paeds.

2011-01-29T22:57:00.003+08:00

a sentence being written as a two-liner differs a lot in meaning from it being written as part of a paragraph. huh .. i have stood for a while now, i just want to sit.

2011-01-21T22:54:00.000+08:00

You will see me through.. Father.

2011-01-17T22:02:00.007+08:00

they say dream is a form of escapism for the overloaded mind. having said that, i think i am having retrograde amnesia. what's with the ancient dream? and nothing of the present! ouh, and i dreamt of eating minced pork noodle in dark sauce, must have been hungry. that tasted good though. when i woke up, somebody served me spaghetti in tomato sauce with mushroom and chicken. that was gOOd too. a big thank you. so yeah, about the dream... i dreamt of nic and nian. so weird. and we were in the arcade playing car racing. but nic was not talking to me and i could only hear her laughter. i joined in the race too. dengan pro-nya, sejak bila ya. lol. and nian like usual, blur at the back, laughed till cannot see eyes. i don't know what was he doing in my dream. after that, we went for noodle at sam kok dei. yooo, i remembered the taste. even after like 10 years... ahaha. i was left feeling deprived after waking up to a phone call. i have not yet finished eatingggggggg grrr. ahaha. but it was fine, there was real spaghetti waiting. ahaha. sweet. praise God and thank you. it's a dinner dream. and i am not studying................... lol.

2011-01-16T20:59:00.001+08:00

kusut !

2010-12-08T00:33:00.002+08:00

there is moth too white, too bright, then blind, so please, go your way. and why does yellow umbrella has to be so yellow?

2010-12-02T07:23:00.002+08:00

ok i just heard about something and it makes me feel uncomfortable. seriously. zzzzzzzz. but i shall not step in.

2010-11-30T00:45:00.003+08:00

i find it comforting knowing that this blog is deserted. then this could be my monologue diary and i would be pretty pleased. lol. i really want to thank God today for many things. one, being able to wake up in the morning and feeling well and happy, a safe journey to the hospital, a great day in the clinic - i am beginning to enjoy O&G, lunch break+nap, also for safe and successful deliveries during on-call tonight and my wonderful mates who always kept up with my tempestuous behaviour :S thanks girls.
i also want to thank God for the liberty to declare my faith each and everyday... Thank You, Lord.
and one more very important thing !! i thank God that my shower pump is backk!! all pumping well and strong!! lol.! :):)

2010-11-29T17:20:00.002+08:00

wake me up when 1 o'clock comes... coming back home during lunch hour rocks socks.

2010-11-28T20:34:00.002+08:00

oh no, been slugging for toooooo long and it is not good, not good .. lets convert the stress into action ok *throws bolster to the floor and starts ripping cover off vigorously* i am still very blank after 5 weeks of O&G, how long do i need to get the hang of it? oh please consume me. and while the shower pump is giving unnecessary headaches, i see reducing figures on the scale .. lol.. not a good indication to be exact. hmm, i want to get owninggggggggggggg.. Triple KILL O&G. LOL. yes i will!

another day

2010-11-27T11:56:00.004+08:00

11.30 a.m. - woke up
11.45 a.m. - voice box testing
11.48 a.m. - colour accentuation
11.55 a.m. - trading
12.00 p.m. - coffee (angry because could not find a spoon to stir)
12.15 p.m. - sipping coffee
1.00-4.00 p.m. - downloaded and organised notes
4.15 p.m. - some cabbage moment,oh it was sweet
5.00 p.m - showered
5.35 p.m. - idle
5.45 p.m. - blow-dried
6.00 p.m. - drove to dinner then hospital
10.45 p.m. - boiled egg
10.50 p.m. - *types*
10.56 p.m. - :) bids good bye and good night.

2010-11-19T19:00:00.000+08:00

labour room is not such a bad place to go anymore.

2010-10-03T19:04:00.002+08:00

didnt expect it to happen so soon ! pity my little kancil.. :( it's dented on the left side at the front.. just started driving two weeks ago nia. shad lah. *sulk* sim tia. but thank God, nothing bad happened to my passengers.. feel sorry for both my car and them friends.. need to be careful. sakit hatiiiiiiiii

2010-09-27T16:24:00.002+08:00

i actually have time for myself today. thank You Lord, blessed be Your name.

2010-09-27T16:11:00.004+08:00

me wants a beanie.

2010-09-16T07:48:00.003+08:00

and he shall exalt himself in his heart. though it's not great in its context and as one not supposingly be, but this particular line stood out ..from the book of Daniel.

good morning.

2010-09-16T02:00:00.001+08:00

i am so sick of being being. i think i might just cut my hair again. might.

2010-09-16T00:41:00.005+08:00

a monologue-spree, it's driving me crazy. hmm, i think it's funny.. my mind is intelligent as it is on its own. it's rather hard to not indulge excessively in whatever i am supposed to do and it's so easy to fall out from what i am supposed to want to be. as we get older, we tend to be more reserved huh. but that doesn't mean i stop caring. i am fine. love-chilled. i am learning how to practise that on a daily basis. you know, i want to..say something. my mind is really really really growing an idea. not yet.. it's not vague but i am not there yet, so i am still trying to figure them out.. things. hmm.. till then i will stay on-track. there is nothing easier than to be a complacent sinner.. how i am not a stranger to that. and i see my reflection everywhere. but God is graceful. He knows you better than you yourself, me better than i do. you have your freewill and the easiest is never good but always the favourite. what do you do for living? 'living'. living..? living...

2010-08-07T09:29:00.006+08:00

yeah, it's not always easy but i will try. the day is the day where He has made and i will rejoice in it. good morning and i have heard of the morning star, could it be the sun. the sun, the center of the universe, encircled by all the others. how vast is the universe, the word universal is used to describe worldly, what about the universe itself, infinite? don't you think each of us is just like the size of a microbe if compared to the size of the earth, smaller than a speck of dust.. the universe is infinite and i am infinitesimal. we all are. people always say, only god knows why. how. when. who. whatever Wh questions you can think of, without really appreciating the existence of God. and oh my god. My God knows me. and each and everyone of us. who are all infinitesimal. i am not mocking but i am at awe because God, He knows me. and i go wordless as i am thinking of it. i wish i could wake up everyday and appreciate this. He who stood before creation and spoke the earth into motion knows me and all of His creations, each and everyone of us, to whom i can never comprehend. and we are significant to this master of the infinite universe. ..

You breathed man into life but are denied by man, You made science possible but science makes god-proof. yet, so much affection for all rejections. God, how do we deserve You.. how.

how blank yet so alive

2010-07-31T21:35:00.004+08:00

what hath she? no love is greater than Thine, she hath nth but all, all that never lasts, oh her hearth is grieved! Thou art the beginning and the end, and the only One. she hath her mind cease, but her spirit soars, to the ocean and to the sky, oh so high! she couldst ride on clouds of joy and sing of Thy love.. what a marvelous sight.. she give thanks to Thee.

2010-07-28T13:43:00.001+08:00

lifeless two weeks..

2010-07-22T13:14:00.002+08:00

wake up. do you remember how you were like?

2010-07-06T23:56:00.003+08:00

few in que

laugh out loud.

2010-07-06T15:11:00.000+08:00

facebook is a bore.

2010-07-03T17:14:00.002+08:00

i should start quoting from medical books. gee. yes, please. arghhh, i am having a caffeine rush. not good not good. what's up? her. really really impressive. i must say she outdid many of the male actors i've seen. fantasticccc. she is a dominator! i am really really really impressed.

2010-06-17T02:13:00.002+08:00

mirrored, probed, drilled, numbed and holed. good gum. now the tooth is gone, goodbye you one the right, the biggest, strongest, most wise of all~~ urgh, your absence left a big gap in my gum. it hurts. it's throbbing, ouch. wuwu *sulk* the dentist was gentle even though i dreaded the process. i am grateful. please please please let it heal quickly.

2010-06-17T02:00:00.004+08:00

simply heart-d-licious!
oh veggie veggie here i come, yum yum !

smaller, slightly bigger gap in between.

2010-06-14T04:48:00.011+08:00

it's been a while, time for a change. hehe. the new blog templates are super cool. i almost picked the one with chillies.. ironically love the boldness but it was too bright for my preference. @@

2010-06-07T17:49:00.010+08:00

i remember seeing these words in someone's blog "i am writing these words down, i need to get it outta my head" something along that line. hah! that was exactly how i felt last night, i actually made myself insomniac can you believe it! i was rather sleepy around 1 a.m. so i crawled to bed, prayed and thank the Lord before i doze off. but no, i didnt instead my mind started to wander, then ideas came flooding in..there were so many things happening in my mind that i no longer feeling sleepy but physically, i WAS. T.T ok, i can't sleep. i also can't write words that rhyme. in my mind, i was thinking that i need to tell the world i can't write words that rhyme. nooooo, i lied at the introduction to my story :( the thing is, i wrote a song. A song titled For You written 4 days ago, still a work in progress. the melodies are a little uncoordinated, it's in Key A (A F#m C#m E) for the intro. the chorus is supposed to be A, E, A, E and that's it, missy got music block :( no actually. i sort of finished composing :D but it sounded weird. ahahahahaha! and the lyrics go like this..verse 1 : This quiet night i breathe now, i breathe now, in awe.. Your precious love embrace me, embrace me, for ever.. ok i shall continue another day. *shy* : then the thoughts of sharing a guitar guide for beginners crossed my mind. a very basic one based on my experience. going to put this in a new post. i also got the idea of writing on self-esteem. and while i was still being put off sleep, my subconscious mind reminded me of another issue. it seldom bothers me until my uncle shared with me earlier that day bout his stories from his work experience and asked me to quit being nice to everybody. corporate world and it's business, it's population, a different league of love, struggles and obsessions. the world is corruptible and has been so, i am aware of it and i thank God for His protection of core values and purposes. the world has played it that way, people played along and change, i pray for wisdom to reach out to them and to stay in tuned with my core values. these were my thoughts yesterday night. from sleepiness to songwriting to guitar guide to self-esteem to business. also an off-track of jeffrey dean morgan and the likes. lol. bedtime is not sleeping time after all. Fuhhhh, speaking of letting it outta my head ! i have the responsibility to execute now. :

2010-06-03T15:10:00.003+08:00

finally done with shopping for the new semester. had an awesome trip to Singapore and Praise God for all the blessed time and knowledge gained during asia conference. and the shopping spree. *giggles* it's true God has different calling for everyone, throughout the four nights' sessions and workshops, the one that stirred me most was the preaching from Reinhard Bonnke on evangelism and making discipleship of all nations by Phil Pringle. i always thought revival is the toughest thing to achieve and i always wanted to wait for God to make it all happen.. because human heart is difficult to be changed.. i can't do it.. even when it does, it happens for the wrong reasons and i often get very upset caught in my own despair and disappointment. but it was a miraculous night when i saw twenty-five thousand gathered for Christ that day, i was at awe, still am, because i came to realisation that when He says, "You go and do as I say, I am with you.", He is sovereign and He is with us. and He, will make it happen. it doesn't matter if i failed in my move, the most important thing is, i made that move. and that is what He want us to do, He will do the rest. i often wait upon the Lord to show me the right time, right people, right attitude, etc. the truth is, i am not waiting for God, God is, waiting for me. T.T and my heart is crying out for one particular country during altar call for nations, i wasn't even at the front with the crowd and all, i was sitting at the top back of the hall, barely watching from the wide screen .. and there i was, weeping then shaking violently, standing feebly to the power of the Holy Spirit at the back of my seat when everybody else was praying. i thought i was having seizures and shivering from the cold, almost felt like fainting due to long hours of standing. but something very powerful is stirred deep from my heart, is aching, burning with unspeakable passion and all i could think of is CHINA, CHINA, CHINA. my scientific thoughts were nothing.. it's impossible i am crying out for a country that i have so little interest in.. it is so strong that i can't oppose with whatever explanations i can come up with and that was the kind of power i had experienced when i first slain in youth camp once, when i first received Christ. When God moves, He is unstoppable. People often question why God brings suffering to the world if He loves the world so much? in my humble opinion, because people don't see the need for Him until something bad happens.. this saddens me. God is sovereign. and there is a reason for everything to happen. i also learned that God's love is not a talking point, it is a life-issue.. to me, people can debate and prove whatever is wrong, right, real.. but it is what it is to me, God's love is for all and i accept it.

2010-05-21T20:09:00.007+08:00

I almost forgotten how to express myself in written words, and there is another thing, my verbal expression seems to be failing too. It’s coming slowly, very slow..perhaps nobody notices but I do and it’s terrifying. what is it? I am not as healthy as I thought. And my pharynx hurts everytime I swallow, a solitary left side ache. It feels like all my food simply get jammed there everytime I eat. Huhu. I has to get a medical check up. and extract tooth! ..i miss serving. i miss the Lord's presence.

2010-04-11T01:09:00.002+08:00

random, don't know how to make these words flow into one piece.

i like it raw, too beautiful a thing doesn't appeal to me.

it doesn't matter anymore because i have quit expecting.

being contented always doesn't make one lack initiative to strive harder, it is just how simple is happiness to certain people. being lazy is another thing.

i. c. f. m. f. h. y. t.

2010-03-31T02:11:00.008+08:00

i doubt.. i always have the same doubt.......... over and over again. why do i weep and weep and weep? gland tumour? why do i tremble? another episode of seizure? why does my heart ache? MI?? what is it??????? i am diseased everywhere.

because You made me.

and You touched my heart.

You love me.

and in Your presence, i weep. i tremble. i long. ...i am diseased to some, occasionally in my very own opinion..

but i will never quit,

no.

2010-03-23T16:16:00.001+08:00

i can't ..

2010-03-20T04:46:00.000+08:00

hey, new beginning.

2010-03-12T13:21:00.002+08:00

nothing.

2010-03-03T04:20:00.004+08:00

apologising in advance. sorry if i am not being like a friend to a friend for the moment. you know, this exam thingy is taking a toll on me *watery eyes, staring down at the floor*. at this point i would have cursed the word shit many times already but don't see the point of doing that.. what for.. i guess i could destress in many other ways. like taking a cold shower at 4.25 a.m. urgh. got an invitation to attend UniFest, UCSI club party.. not really interested with party stuff etc.. But. few friends are performing, got special invitation to watch them live and yumcha session with the BAND members after the gig.. T.T but. it's on thursday! like seriously.........................................as much as i wanted to go i think i will also drown gaogao in guilt . T.T T.T cannot go...........................cannot go T.T kesian budak ni. kena baca buku. buku buku buku. mati i. i can take it. and i will make the most out of it.......................................... urgh. i feel sorry and don't feel sorry for myself.

2010-02-16T21:07:00.003+08:00

you are stupid.

period

2010-02-15T20:00:00.002+08:00

eclipse. suddenly i grew an abhorance. fairy tales. i am disgusted.

2010-01-23T14:23:00.003+08:00

i have little control over my mind these days.. hmm. i can't convey here.. sometimes it gets flooded with crazy weird ideas. other times it dwells on bizarre dreams. i learn from my dreams. hmm..

2010-01-07T20:52:00.002+08:00

wooosh. ok. up up everyday is a challenge, time and tide waits for no man perrrrrr. alright time to fight! got some really cool bargain yesterday.. keke.. nice. ok here i come.

2010-01-06T03:14:00.005+08:00

your bitterness numbered another drop. i have had my struggles when nobody could understand, and my sanity was put on stake with every step i took to learn why is why, why. then i realised something. and you were seeking. so i tried and i tried harder, because you are a believer. i am as bitter in the end, each time and i don't even get to know you.

2009-12-28T15:37:00.004+08:00

just finished reading a book by brennan manning, i believe one can't help but be amazed of how passionate his writings are and how we are challenged by his viewpoint as a follower of Christ. he wrote a remarkable love letter to the Sovereign Lord. it isn't a fiction book.. at one point, i knew what he was talking about because i had had the same experience. i thank the Lord once again for this book which is a Christmas present from a dear friend. ;) anyways, Christmas has passed and new year is coming. ay ay, let's not talk about new year resolutions because daily resolutions in their own aspects are already difficult to accomplish. 2009 has been a good year anyhow.. ;) my memorable 21st birthday celebration, the friends that i have known, the experiences that i have gained and best of all, i can mark off several items on my to-do-list ! (you know how i have always wanted to learn guitar..) wahahaha. best of best of all, i have built a closer, truthful relationship with the Lord, to know the person and the god He is, eventhough i may not comprehend fully. That is the way He is.

happy new year friends folks people guys ! let's embrace the new year as it comes dan terbanglah tinggi-tinggi seperti helang gagah yang memuncak langit !

crappy song

2009-12-23T16:24:00.003+08:00

it isn't a mutual thing,

neither is it the first time

one, two, three, four

and i always make the same mistake.

give me an eraser

and i will give you a cleared board

stone cold heart

it isn't but a labyrinth.

it takes anonymous ways,

one, two, three, four

it's not complete.

2009-12-21T19:45:00.003+08:00

it isn't easyyyy and i must say i am getting a little frustrated thinking about it. why oh why?! year end post coming up.. meanwhile.. hmm.. how am i not excited this time around.. i don't wonder why, maybe i just grow out of it ..ahh. but there are some things, some things that linger long.. hmm.. i miss those things.. speaking of which, i watched chibi maruko today.. aha.. i just love how they do the 'sweat face' O.O """ plus the sound effect..that goes something like.. 'duinggggggg' O.O"""" ahaha.. bugger.. i just wanna get this bug outta my head.. where's my prince.. lol. i am really annoyed... argh . .do i even blog like this.. bugger..

2009-12-21T01:57:00.004+08:00

it felt like my heart was pricked for a second. what was that? goody, it went away and heart was sealed with much love. ;) thank You Lord. i love You.

2009-12-17T09:51:00.004+08:00

it is a lovely morning but the sun is shaded. i need some warmth :(

i was standing on the aisle of nowhere, it was empty though ..so i stopped at a side and sat. and i found some flowers in my pocket..pretty tiny sunflowers, pink and yellow both. and i smiled to myself.. and i was just lying there, admiring the flowers.. and then the gray backdrop slowly faded, revealing the bare blue sky. did the roof just poof? a tiny drop snaked down my face.. where's the warmth?

2009-12-16T03:01:00.001+08:00

hyper :D

2009-12-16T02:43:00.003+08:00

As i am preparing for PBL, i can’t help but getting distracted by the thoughts of random people, random things. Have i told you i am a person with short attention span? Huhu. You know i was thinking about yesterday’s christmas celebration one second and then suddenly, i was thinking of someone’s blog, and right now, thinking of the word ‘fat/fattening’. LOL. No love, i am not sensitive about lipids and its deposition although i do get concerned sometimes but it is alright. Perhaps i have learnt better how to appreciate the wonders of food these days. Anyways, holidays coming soon, like reaaaal soon and i am pretty excited. YESSS. J Nothing fancy, just plan to spend time with at home with family and catching up with studies. And get in tune with my new guitar, learn some new songs, and learn how to sing the most beautiful melody to the Lord. After all, that was where i first got started, the heart of worship. You know i have several great teachers but the greatest of them all is undeniably God because it is Him who have taught me how to play and sing tunes that come from the heart, and giving me the opportunity to learn from good others and a guitar. Good Lord. J Alright, got to get back to PBL, happy holidays and merry christmas friends! Love, jess.

2009-12-10T14:17:00.001+08:00

i don't want to talk anymore.

2009-12-10T14:04:00.002+08:00

sometimes, dealing with life and people can be exhausting. do you understand?

2009-12-09T19:59:00.001+08:00

kekekekekeke. i wasn't robbed. i got my rewards today. ;)

2009-12-06T13:39:00.002+08:00

By your grace and mercy, i am what i am today eventhough i am not perfect in the eyes of men but Lord i am perfect in Your sight, fearfully and wonderfully made. tears accompany glum, smiles usher joy .. these are your wonderful creations. me. us. mother nature. the sun the rain the sky. the earth. i will learn to love and to live. i treasure this day as it is, and i want to be skilled. 10,000 hours, 100,000 hours.. i will do what it takes, with Your grace. Amen.

2009-12-05T23:16:00.000+08:00

you sing.

2009-12-04T01:43:00.004+08:00

i would totally fall for jacob. you know that thing he did outside the cinema, spontaneously held her hand and then let go, i think that's the cutest thing ever. awkward but cuteeee. and you are warm, it's a jacob thing... aaah. killer line.

2009-11-25T00:07:00.001+08:00

and oh i forgot .. to smile.. :)

2009-11-24T23:26:00.003+08:00

my thoughts are not choking anymore. and now i have to ...

1. get a hair-trim.. hair starting to curl @@
2. a new dress ... i have not found the ONE yet T.T ( found )
3. get some books from salvation
4. and a new guitar..

and i have missed ...

black nails..

lol..

2009-11-16T23:30:00.002+08:00

all i need is You.

2009-11-14T12:48:00.007+08:00

it's raining again. and i feel sorrowful, deep in feelings. maybe it's the rain.. perhaps it's the time of the month again. cause of it could be everything but nothing, no one in particular. shhh. let's close our eyes, no human being can fully understand me except You. i am flawed like that. this is a personal post i guess. it's been a while since i got this tempestuous. it's alright.. 3 hours.. maybe i will take just a little longer this time .. but it will not be expressed bodily, just in words by thoughts. don't dig, a warm smile will do. the mirror reflects, naked.. i feel naked.. i unveiled too much, feel like a portion of me is dissolved.. now shhh. silent. move on with your life. i am sturdy but i am frail too. .. .. do you understand.. that's human that's me... the rain has stopped. everything is transient. just like this piece. just like this sorrow. and just like this life.

2009-11-10T19:44:00.002+08:00

five minutes after we die, we'll know exactly how we should have lived.

2009-11-10T00:45:00.003+08:00

i have asked for too much. thanks for your help. and happy 21st darling keng ! <3<3

2009-10-26T12:05:00.003+08:00

home sweet home, best feeling ever. i have never felt so relieved? it is amazing how time flies, and how fast one can grow fat. hehe.. neh, i don't feel pathetic or anything, i am just so glad that this semester is overrr with an extra 2 kgs, three and a half more years to go woohoo! everybody knows it is going to be tough but hey, let's move on and face the challenge with a better self. if you are screwed up, unscrew yourself. up and down. if you are out of shape, gogo get in shape. that is for me, i know. walk the talk woman. haha. speaking of that, remember i was talking about pretty leather bags, well i walked the talk and went on a hunt. so, the other day in midvalley i spotted a very vintage looking leather bag at topshop, the colour, the texture, the smell, the overall contour, woman i'm telling you it's perfect i love it. flipped the price tag over? RM 313. beautiful, i can only own by sight yeh. ;P then as i was strolling around, behold people, there was this tiny little bag, in awkward brown, which looks a lot like leather but it is not, almost similar to the one i saw in topshop, just much cuter and cuter! aha! and the price fuhh. cutest. rm40. and so, i bought miss cutie over miss 313. october has been a spending month, that is it. no more. the line is drawn and i shall stay within the boundaries.

alright, enough of bag story and being a girl.

i want to write this down as a reminder. this morning when i woke up, something i heard over the news made me upset. mom was telling me the news about the man who splashed acid on his wife and daughter, the wife did not make it, died and daughter's eyes went blind. it is saddening. it is very scary when people lose control. lose sanity. least i can do is pray. i have to stop being so ignorant. pray hard for the nation, for your friends and family.

2009-10-16T16:07:00.000+08:00

shhh. be still. Do not worry.. i love You

2009-10-12T22:23:00.000+08:00

humiliation.

2009-10-08T03:32:00.002+08:00

waaaaa. saw some really pretty looking leather bags on old flame... that vintage feel. urgh! $$ lackadaisical. what a word. what a word !!!!! too many things to buy!!!!! T.T

2009-10-01T13:42:00.000+08:00

another earthquake. it's happening. and it's getting nearer.

2009-09-27T03:49:00.003+08:00

brushed my teeth. filled tap water into my bottle. changed my bedsheet. everything seemed so vivid but the mind wasn't. the light was so bright, i stared into it, did i get myself blinded for a moment. i wished i could leave a gap before my fullstop. stop! i am tired. i can't speak. maybe i need a rest.

2009-09-23T19:10:00.002+08:00

it's been a week ! ppanic attack ! *sweating with sudden increased gut motility*

2009-09-21T19:50:00.005+08:00

the clock shows 7.55pm, about just an hour ago i had a stomachache.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i have been contemplating a lot lately, so much that i feel like i am going crazy. nothing less i discovered. there were doubts creeping into my core threatening my every thought and questioning my every action. dissolve! i prayed. i searched for Your words. the night was still, my defiant soul silent.

a friend fell into transgression.. i.. yes it is not fair for anyone to judge even me, who knows what will happen.. what is common is not always right but you and i both know, there is a definite sad ending and it is a mistake. i am not against you, but your actions.. i will be by your side no matter what. some say ignorance is bliss, i think it's bullshit. running away and ignoring will not help. deal with it, it sure hurts hell but deal with it, if you need help seek for help. i did. and some say the truth always hurt, the truth HURTS, but it sets you free. think about it.

just to share some thoughts.. pretty serious huh. anyways, holidays started, i mean 'study break'.. i read some books.. just not textbooks. ahahaha. progress been slow but i am doing my best. you know, i am beginning to miss some things. and somewhat i am not into the courtship yet.. not now.. ceh wahhh ahahah i am talking about books.. yes a courtship with books !

:(

2009-09-17T22:50:00.000+08:00

2009-09-12T02:10:00.002+08:00

Father, I see Your ways.

2009-09-07T03:02:00.004+08:00

So patient, so gracious, so merciful and so true...

So wonderful in all You do. You fill me. You see me.

2009-09-02T20:38:00.004+08:00

fhappy bookday to jessica hong yoke poh. Hahhaa. Some say it is not good to write your full name on a website. Hmmm? Sui guan.. on the other hand, how do i feel being 21 and all legal? Ha ha ha. I feel booked.
O.

o

eyeball runs down.

sounds wrong. Lol. this time around, something special happened, had a birthday celebration that i never had before. Going to blog about it some time. For now, i just want to expresss a hearftful thank-you to all my friends who made it happened that Thursday night especially to keng keng, oh my love and the charming V.I.P you know who you are if you are reading this. Hehe. Thanks for the presents.. imma post it up too. Blessed 21st birthday indeed.. all because of you guys.. xie xie.. and thanks puchi, krystle, xinli and edmund for the steamboat meal.

2009-08-26T00:22:00.003+08:00

pelbagai persoalan timbul di minda, tidak dapat menumpukan perhatian dalam perkara-perkara yang dilakukan. bukan, saya bukan cakap pasal awak, saya bercakap tentang diri. ades. yang sebenarnya, ..sekiranya mu memahami jess,.. segalanya akan menjadi dan berjalan lancar. jangan kilan, maafkan jess sekiranya ada salah silap cakap atau perlakuan. tidak mengapa jua kerana jess tetap menyayangi mu banyak-banyak.. makin hari makin jurang, makin cepat masa berlalu. namun hari masih indah, bulan mangambang dan si matahari menyinar cerah, masing-masing memberi sinar harapan baru setiap hari, saling membantu bila satu berlangsir. jess akan berusaha bersungguh-sungguh, jess janji.

2009-08-25T22:27:00.000+08:00

bro says he misses me! i misss you too didi! wait for jiejie, coming back soon ~!

2009-08-20T21:32:00.001+08:00

I feel inept as you question, as there is much more to be learned, as I should have. Another day has passed by, progression has been good, ‘mission impossible 256’ here I come. And yes speaking of today, I got slightly ticked off by the self, strictly a personal warfare.. think I am doomed? The unenthusiastic thoughts no longer linger now, I chose to let it go. I am smiling. It does not need to be bad all the time, and i would wish good is all the time. Anyways, loads to do, really and I miss home.

2009-08-19T21:04:00.002+08:00

hey, thanks. you made my day, girl.

2009-08-19T00:36:00.004+08:00

the snack bars were suprisingly delicious, had some for supper. i am so growing. lol. and i am contemplating whether or not to chop my bangs, but i like floppy long sexy fringes.. don't want to regret over it after all is done. how ah ? speaking of hair, i am seriously balding..lol. hair is not thick to begin with yet they just keep falling, and falling. AAAHHHH. now that is inevitably the greatest motivator to chop my hair. -.- and then let's talk about books. i am not pulling the line yet, not even touching it. lazy lazy, uh uh. while i was blog hopping earlier, i stumbled upon Cynthia's baby doll blog and found out that she has an online boutique, An Old Flame, it made me go gagaga. $$$ lackadaisical, really nice to S-E-E though, you and i, we have the same taste. and finally i am getting sleepy. goodnight.

a little prayer

2009-08-18T00:34:00.004+08:00

O Father, You are wonderfully inspiring. Thank You for everything, for Your peace and Your promises, and for Your grace. Even at my lowest point, my spirit is lifted up high.. i was upset but i see a silver lining, everytime. I am not to declare how optimistic i am but Lord, it was all because of You. Way surpasses hormones. i have been sceptical, doubtful..and sinning but Lord, You are faithful and forgiving, You never gave up on me. You open doors for me and You watch me grow, shining my path, the flowers boomed along me. Thank you, O Father. and here is a little prayer for those who are weary and tired, Lord, i pray you grant them strength and peace of mind to endure the demanding path that awaits them. I pray O Father, that You will also sustain and give comfort to heart-broken and dejected souls, You may close a door but You will and always, open another door, unfold their eyes and unlock their hearts, O Father to see and to comprehend these difficult circumstances. Thank You O Father. How great is Your Love. Amen.

2009-08-13T11:50:00.002+08:00

i can't laugh all i want ! cause' it hurts ! period cramp faster go away

2009-08-11T00:16:00.003+08:00

argh ! there is this restriction to write ! i can't express myself fully ! not again ! argh ! i wanna marrrryyyyy brad pittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt ! argh !

fly a kite

2009-08-11T00:06:00.006+08:00

oh no. too soon. it is not right, not at all. gotta take it slow cause it scares the skull out of me, not good. that is not the way to do it. ever learn how to fly a kite ? you don't let go of the string all at once.. you pull back and let go.. little by little..

this post is inspired by keng.

2009-08-10T00:43:00.008+08:00

mystifying woodlands. wished they could slow down the pace and allow some time for self reflection. but then again, if it was so, we would probably reach the top only by sunset. heh. it was creepy at some point.. with the spiritual stories and all. and the thoughts of you getting lost in the jungle, afraid and alone in the dark, every second seems like an eternity, every little sound haunts you inside out, every pore tingles as if you were being watched from every crook.. eerie. in the midst of all that, i do like the one of a kind serenity.. heh. it is not that bad. i would love to walk under the canopy, and be greeted by sunshine-filtered mist, encircled by twiggies and heart-shaped leavies, above and below. and my shadow being my guest. while listening to kari jobe's singing over me. perfect huh. this trip to FRIM was a rather good one, shed like 3L of sweat and was meat-overdosed for lunch. too bad i wasn't acclimatized to the level above ground. it could have been better. heh. but i am glad and contented for everything ! the trip, the people involved and for me for not having any injuries. good stuff :)

2009-08-05T12:13:00.003+08:00

best dream today ...... lol. dreamt lam fung as a cement worker who has the most spontaneous personality, where he didn't even look me in the eyes yet that was the best accidental conversation i ever had with a guy. lol. i am not a fan of lam fung, bear that in mind. there was another guy .. and another one.. who played the piano so well. *drools*

2009-08-04T20:14:00.010+08:00

yikes. the caterpillar who was once insulated in a cocoon has boomed into a frivolous beautiful butterfly. finally. it quickly found its way up through the air and flew away, leaving behind little trails and then..slowly out of sight. good luck, hun. oh caterpillar, i am grateful for your love and the time you chose to remain in your cocoon, faithfully waiting. many times you could have evolved and flew away, but you chose to stay. for me. do so even more for you being the cute caterpillar that i once adored. oh caterpillar. safe flying. :) gonna miss you.

caterpillar-not, i realised physio quiz is coming too soon. this is bad. er. can i say shit . ? not a good way to distress. cope well sweetheart.

2009-08-01T23:10:00.000+08:00

Again, it is not about me anymore. I .. i ..need to commit. Commit. Must not go astray. Please, stay focus. Please.

red roses

2009-07-30T23:53:00.004+08:00

blurgh.. it's been a creepy week, literally .. like spooked. what's with the haunted dreams and weird senses? lol. nonsensical mind games. prolly it's PMS again. it's always that isn't it? lol. i like red roses. you know why? hmm yes, red is bold and hot but not really my favourite colour yet red roses truly appeal to me. they are pretty as a whole i think. i like the dark red kind.. mysteriously romantic. the petals are soft and smooth.. and they have this distinct smell that i like too. nobody ever got me red roses before.. wait, puchi got me one for Valentine 2008 haha.. yeahh.. i got one for mama too when i was in standard six.. and she said i should not have wasted money on flowers. i still think she liked it though, sweet~ what about violet roses? hmm, pretty cool but i like red best. :)

2009-07-29T23:26:00.003+08:00

can i talk to you for a minute ? i dont want to grow up ! i have missed the sunset walk and the car rides. is there anything i can do for you? it's pretty pretty ! i have missed your dimpled smile and the time we played counter strike together at FC. where were you? you were always there ! i have missed your wrist band and your sideburns. have you found your cake? i heard they have some at the corner street store ! i have missed us.

awww

2009-07-27T17:34:00.001+08:00

:) :) my guitar sifu proposed to his girlfriend and they are getting married next year~! awww! really happy for them ! :):) congrats congrats bro~!

2009-07-27T10:42:00.000+08:00

good morning world. have a great day

2009-07-25T23:50:00.000+08:00

watched 'Hooked on You'. what good stuff.

moo

2009-07-24T20:25:00.008+08:00

another happening week. lol. it's always happening when i don't study. so much to catch up, must do my best. went to city harvest church yesterday for their drama Heroes. ji yin said their PA system's very cun, agreed. hehe. CHC also has a very cool speaker, yet inspiring. with the awesome band and supportive crowd, i had a great time there. but above all i took home an important lesson. yep. the pastor said everyone of us has a potential within us, a talent yet to be discovered, and we are a hero in our own rights. in that context, failure is nothing but failing to recognise that potential. yep. don't be afraid to lose. go Nike. just do it! yep yep. and tonight, at this moment, this hour, i want to declare something to you who are reading this. the intelligent people who managed to uncover this blog, i. have. .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
lactose intolerance.
i am so sad ok. i like to drink milk you know. chocolate milk, strawberry milk, honey milk you name it. strictly cow milk with any flavors. don't know why suddenly developed intolerance.

T______________________________________T

i will not give up on milk! don't care. i am gonna end my declaration by telling you who are still reading this that i love milk! huhu. some more right, my parents bought a whole carton of dutch lady chocolate milk for me. happy but sad. that's a sign of love, so i am happy. but i can't drink all of em'. saddddddddddddddddddddddddd.
ok, that is enough.

p/s : sorry.

wait, on a second thought, could it be due to expired milk? O.O

2009-07-22T17:28:00.001+08:00

okay la.

2009-07-22T09:40:00.004+08:00

dum di dum dum.. gotta really exercise my brain today T.T urgh ! watched harry potter yesterday which was pretty exciting. love the british accent too. whoever that kid was who acted as teen tom riddle, he's pretty good. so pretty yet so evil. haha. oh.. nevertheless, heard plenty of spoilers for the next movie already lol -.- wowowowow.. i predict a good week, gonna embrace things as they come.

if you promise to do something, do it you shall. the other guy got sick to a point where he needs to see a doctor, yet not a single word of complaint, and came early, not even part of the group yet he done well for the group. and you, you fooled around with phones. pictures. singing songs. and you said you can't speak. it doesn't matter if nobody hears you, at least you do your best, go up there and do as what you have promised to. i assume i can trust you, it's wrong to assume. that screen saver totally put me off.

2009-07-21T02:06:00.001+08:00

Hi. You are awesome.